Products You Should Buy, Based On Your Enneagram!
Get on your reading glasses for that date if you haven’t already, folks!
Opinions expressed by Trash Mouth Mercantile are our own. Unless you don’t agree with them. Then they’re someone else’s.
Seems like everything needs a label these days. And just like those tiny warnings they put on cigarette packages, you also deserve a permanently affixed warning for anyone unassuming enough to pick you up.
Enneagrams are a painstakingly googled list of nine nifty little buzzwords that wrap your personality up in a neat bow and are way more accurate than those other personality types, we swear or your money back*!
This isn’t your mother’s Myers-Briggs, these are the identities of a new generation.
1 THE REFORMER
The Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic
Inspired by the imagery used for Hunter S. Thompson’s iconic campaign for Sherriff, the principles of Gonzo Journalism have been core to many of the decisions and marketing ploys made here at Trash Mouth Mercantile.
After all, what would eccentricity be without the tethers of self control and rationality to inspire further deviation from the norm?
2 THE HELPER
The Caring, Interpersonal Type: Demonstrative, Generous, People-Pleasing, and Possessive
The original people-pleaser, Cthulhu has drawn in literal hordes to do it’s bidding.
Take a page from the OG Book and bring out the best parts of your personality, the ones already decided for you.
3 THE ACHIEVER
The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptive, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious
Borrowing from the best attributes of our most popular epaulettes, these little beauties are made for power. Just try not getting noticed sporting them at your next board meeting. For maximum noticeability, we recommend forgoing the confines of a shirt and letting the epaulettes carry your outfit.
Buy now and remember, these aren’t just a cash grab piece! They’re your cash grab piece.
4 THE INDIVIDUALIST
The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental
No one is more of an individualist than you, the most unique person in the room.
In fact, unique doesn’t even begin to cover it. These rockers are just a vaguely materialistic and totally ironic reminder to others of just one of the many facets of your impossibly interesting personality, and unsurprisingly you’re the first person to buy them…in the last hour.
5 THE INVESTIGATOR
The Intense, Cerebral Type: Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated
Intense, cerebral, perceptive, innovative, secretive, isolated…words that seem all too familiar for some reason…
6 THE LOYALIST
The Committed, Security-Oriented Type: Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious
And that’s just what it’s committed to being.
7 THE ENTHUSIAST
The Busy, Fun-Loving Type: Spontaneous, Versatile, Distractible, and Scattered
For those of us who are coming around to the reality that those last couple trips never really ended and the current decade is merely a state of mind, this piece is just speaking the truth when others are too caught up with the material.
The wrong material, that is.
8 THE CHALLENGER
The Powerful, Dominating Type: Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational
are you really still reading these?
am i really still writing these..?9 THE PEACEMAKER
The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent
Etsy yet again shot down our request to list up Samuel Colt’s original idea of a peacemaker. So we decided to go with our bestselling black paisley fabric, it’s been there since the very beginning.
…and due to a recent chemical spill, it’s sure to be there long after the rest of the world falls away.
* psyche.
Where we got our “information” from:
https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions
Blog title photo courtesy of: https://stockfresh.com/royalty-free-stock-photos/enneagram